Wide Awake
by words end here
Summary: Hanna has to remind herself that maybe this story of five girls in a small town didn't start with a lie. Caleb/Hanna/Lucas, and Hanna/her girls. Canon up through 3x06 - "The remains of the A."


**A/N: **This takes everything that has happened in the third season thus far into account. This is pretty much an angst-fest by my standards. If you love our girl as much as I do, drop a review.

**Wide Awake**

If Hanna is honest with herself, which was considerably easier before she became friends with this girl, she doesn't quite understand how she ever reached the inner circle of former golden girl Alison DiLaurentis.

Maybe Alison sensed something within Hanna that could be easily taunted, manipulated for her own benefit. (Sometimes she still hears whispers of _hefty Hanna _walking past her mirror.)

Maybe she saw some similarities between them under their surfaces; Spencer was the smart one, Aria was always more mysterious, and Emily was just another jock before Alison said she was special. And Alison was the Queen Bee, which was the position Hanna coveted back then.

Maybe it was by sheer luck, maybe when Alison sat next to her in math class that day neither of them expected any of _this._ Maybe when Alison told Hanna _I really like your scarf _and Ali invited her and Emily to the mall that day (_You know I have to stock up on my favourite tango lip-gloss, Em!)_, she was being sincere.

Maybe everything in her life is punctuated by lies now, but Hanna remembers Alison's smile as sincere on that first day; a genuine invitation to be part of a group that wouldn't leave one another.

Sometimes, when she's trying to fall asleep listening to the sounds of Bon Iver and she feels the void where Caleb's arms are missing around her waist, when 'A' has just sent another threat, Hanna has to remind herself that maybe this story of five girls in a small town didn't start with a lie.

.

.

.

There's a knock on the door and all Hanna can do in response is groan.

"You're wallowing today, _again." _She hears Aria's voice sing-song through the door.

Hanna rises from her comforter and pillows when Aria enters her room without permission. "And here you are. Interrupting, _again." _Underneath the disdain in her tone, Hanna knows she's grateful for the interruption.

The Marin family just don't specialise in conveying their feelings that well.

Aria steals Hanna's earphones with a frown. "Elliot Smith on repeat...that bad?"

"That terrible." Hanna concedes. "If you came over to drop off homework, you can leave it beside the 'Spencer Hastings homework pile of doom' on the desk." She gestures with a wave of her hand.

"I don't have your homework. Just some films and books I thought you might like." Aria sits down on the bed beside her blonde friend. There are half-moons under her eyes that she's never seen on Hanna's face before, not even when 'A' ran her over and she ended up in hospital last year. It's the kind of exhaustion sleep can't cure. "I'm not going to drag you anywhere. We're going to sit here and watch all these happy endings...and then when you cry I'm going to be here."

She's grateful in these moments that Aria's a complete book-worm, even to the extent that her boyfriend once taught them literature. It gives her friend the kind of sensitivity Hanna will never admit to needing.

"I hope by books you mean magazines." Hanna almost smiles. "But movies first, always."

Their phones buzz multiple times throughout their viewing, but neither of them opens the texts. And not once do Hanna's eyes threaten to cry during all these romance movies.

"See? Romance is over rated. Now you can get back to...prom queen?" Aria suggests. Hanna rolls her eyes with good nature.

Another buzz of their phones; Hanna opens the text this time, and it's yet another threat. "Back to playing A at their own game. It's senior year, Aria. We can't let them win anymore."

It's the first time her friend has displayed any conviction for a while, and Aria can't help but send a small smile her way.

"This was the reason Caleb broke up with me. And if we get rid of it...maybe I can have him in my life again." That's when her resolve cracks, and a single tear runs down her face.

She feels Aria's arms envelope her in an embrace and she feels able to breathe again. "When is this going to end?" She asks in dismay. Aria pulls back.

"Listen to me. We got Mona, and we'll get the rest. You're a fighter, Hanna. But you can't keep dealing with things on your own. Let us in."

Hanna emits a hollow laugh amidst the rest of her tears. "I kind of like knowing you'll just barge through the door anyway."

When Aria leaves after sleeping over that night, she leaves all her Nicholas Sparks novels (okay, so Hanna may or may not have known 'The Notebook' was, well, a book first) and her make-up stains on the pillow case. She also leaves Hanna with the first real smile she's worn in days.

.

.

.

Watching all those happy endings last night with Aria leaves Hanna at a high end to come crashing down from.

She's walking down the hallway with Emily by her side when some jerk barges past her in a rush, and her books fall to the floor.

"Hey! Watch where you're-" and when she looks at his face again, she knows he's remorseful for more than walking past her.

"I'm going to go." Emily leaves with a reassuring look to her friend. The students filter through into their respective classes. The corridor falls silent. And there she is, looking at him like he's the first person she has seen all day.

"I'm sorry." Caleb's words carry a weight. The weight of _I keep hoping that things are going to go back to the way that they were._

"How's your mom?" She ventures, as he scrambles to pick up her books. She tries to sound perfunctory. Before this whole cliché queen bee falls for the bad boy train wreck romance happened, she could have had any guy she wanted in this town. She had Sean, the stupid golden boy on her arm. She had Lucas, who looked at Hanna in a way she had absolutely never felt before, almost like admiration.

Then this boy, who saw straight through the clothes and the confidence, has turned her into a vulnerable wreck. She tries not to think about how Caleb was her safe place, before he decided she couldn't be the same for him.

"It's not good." He hands her books. "I'm going to stay with her for a while. She'll never admit it but she needs taken care of."

"Reminds me of someone I knew." She only becomes aware of speaking in the past tense when the words slip out of her mouth.

"You clearly didn't need me in your life. Not the way I need you-"

"Don't tell me who I need." She says, her tone dangerously low. "You left when I needed you to understand me the most. And now you're leaving – again." She feels tears threaten her, but she can't let them fall.

"You can't afford any distractions. Not when you're searching for someone, something the way you and your friends are." He says evenly.

Part of her knows that he's right. He leaves her with a lingering look and she decides not to follow him.

"You weren't a distraction." She murmurs into the silence. It's in that moment she feels the need for pure revenge. And she'll take any form she can against 'A.'

.

.

.

Emily finds her in a bathroom stall shortly after that, noticing that Hanna doesn't make it to that class.

"Hanna...are you okay?" She knows how ridiculous that sounds. The concept of everything standing still for a while, the possibility of this town and all the secrets inhabiting it meaning nothing, the hope that Alison's ghost might just leave them alone is so completely foreign at this point that Emily adds, "What happened?"

The door of the stall clicks open and Emily feels that familiar tug in her chest. Hanna's sobs are muffled.

Emily leads her friend to the sink and starts wiping away the mascara tears without a word. She doesn't want to tell Hanna that _everything will be okay _or _don't give up. _She's heard those words a lot since Maya died and now that Hanna's losing Caleb, those words of encouragement won't work.

"It's like I literally can't stop crying. It's pathetic." Hanna says, sighing. "I just don't know when this is going to stop. When will I stop being his girl?" Her eyes connect with Emily and she is suddenly aware of how selfish she sounds, given that now Emily has lost both Ali and Maya.

"Probably never." Emily shrugs. "Those feeling won't go away." Silence settles between them before Emily finally says, "I don't want to hear you ever call yourself pathetic. Not ever, Han."

"I know it's not the same," Hanna begins, her breathing becoming more regular, and Emily already knows what question her blonde bestie will ask, "but how did you ever...get over her?"

"Maya?"

"I'm sorry," Hanna immediately replies. "I meant Ali. She was your first love...right?"

Emily nods, not so sure of herself. "It wasn't like what you and Caleb had, Han. I mean yes, I loved her. But we never got a chance and I know we never will."

"Caleb is leaving." Hanna says, and the statement hangs heavy between them.

"He'll come back." Emily reassures her. "He will, eventually. Like Maya did." She stops herself from elaborating on those words, and she feels the finality of her death all over again. Emily knows the finality of Ali's death continues to hang over them both.

It was strange, Hanna thinks, how something so terrible bound the four of them so closely together.

"I miss Alison every day," Emily continues, "but I know that if she was with us, we might not be as close as we are. At least we've got us four. And you know that I'm not going anywhere."

Hanna hugs her friend fiercely. "God, we really have a type, don't we."

"Yeah. The love them and leave them type." Emily deadpans.

The bell rings sharply and the hallways fill up again. Hanna knows that 'A' could be walking amongst them, like Mona was. She knows with Emily by her side, they can do this. They can win this war.

"You're right. At least we have us four." Hanna says, and Emily's wearing her best competitive winner smile, and Hanna leans into whisper, "don't tell anyone, but secretly, you're my favourite."

.

.

.

She's visiting Mona more these days, since there's no Caleb to stop her, or provoke any guilt.

Hanna is convinced the girl she loved is under there, somewhere. All she has to do is keep peeling back the layers of lies to get to her.

On this visit, Mona has retreated to her no talking policy.

"You know, you're being awfully loyal to this 'A' when clearly they don't give a crap that you're looked up in here." Hanna says, her voice sounding venomous. That's when the fact that she almost sounds like Alison settles heavily upon her, and she adds, "All I ever did was be there for you."

There's a dark glimmer of a smirk from Mona. It's a breakthrough by her standards.

"She controlled me too, you know. Alison had her ways of getting what she wanted. _Hefty Hanna." _ The blonde echoes, and considers aborting the visit before she relents. "She knew how to exploit everyone. Emily's feelings for her, Spencer's smarty-pants complex, Aria's family...it's really not that different from how 'A' is using you."

Mona's stare never falters.

It's ironic, Hanna thinks. How Mona has become just as elusive and complex as her former arch enemy, Ali.

And Alison still eludes them.

(So she knows not to let go completely of Mona.)

.

.

.

She spots Lucas with a book in hand sitting at the coffee shop where Emily works after she leaves Mona.

"Mind if I join you?" She earnestly doesn't know what type of answer to expect, given everything that has transpired between the two of them. He gestures for her to sit down and closes the book.

"I thought you might have been done with boys and our idiocy." He replies.

"So he told you, then." Hanna rolls her eyes at the male comradeship.

"The guy didn't even need to tell me. He hasn't been this snarky in a while." Lucas responds. "Without you he's more...withdrawn." He adds, wondering to what extent the same applies to him.

Hanna should feel some satisfaction at that, she thinks. That's she brought back broody Caleb.

"Is he listening to Eliot Smith?" She asks, to which Lucas raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. "Never mind."

"I am sorry." Lucas says, and Hanna becomes aware of how tired she is of hearing that. His hand falls over hers, and for a fraction of a minute, she wonders what this must look like to any observers. They would look like a couple right now, just enjoying each other's company. She could have picked Lucas, once upon a time.

"Me too." She replies, and she knows she means it in so many ways.

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.

.

"Break ups do not permit you from curfew, you know." Hanna's mom informs her when she walks into the kitchen.

"I ran into Lucas." Hanna brushes her off.

"I'm glad to see you've actually started attending school again." Ashley notes. "I know you miss him –

"You don't know anything about us." Hanna snaps back, knowing how much a brat she sounds, every bit aware that of all people – she shouldn't be angry with her mom.

"I allowed him to stay in this house because I know how much you love him." Her mother replies evenly. "But your boyfriend shouldn't define you, Hanna, and certainly not your ex."

The blonde feels her eyes well up and she makes a mental note to ask Spencer about this (because it has to some sort of friggin' crying disease at this point, she swears). "I just feel like if he supported me, I'd be stronger."

Her mom's eyes are glassy and she hugs her daughter tightly. It's just the two of them, once again.

There are no words needed.

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.

.

Hanna writes Caleb a letter filled with all the things she can't bring herself to say. She thinks about Noah and Allie, but she knows her life is far from that kind of romance.

_I miss you._

_We're stronger together than we are apart._

_I loved (love) you._

She has an address to send it to, but she never does.

She stockpiles it in an unlabelled box and shoves it under her bed.

(So many secrets still to be told.)

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.

.

Hanna's texting when Spencer swiftly takes the phone from her friend's hands.

"Hey!" Hanna says, all accusing. Spencer just gives her that withering stare.

"You know, maybe if you hadn't skipped that _entire week _of school, I wouldn't have to be tutoring you for this math test, and you could text Aria all you wanted about your moms dating progress." She says.

"But here we are." Hanna rests her head on Spencer's desk. She remembers guessing the password with Spencer, about how she saved Caleb for once.

"Sorry. The only thing I'm really interested in these days in controlling 'A.'" She admits.

Spencer's sternness dissolves with that sentence and she smirks. "Only you could turn that kind of reference into something remotely funny."

"I've been swamped this week. I do appreciate your sage wisdom." Hanna responds with a smile. She knows Spencer was probably glowering with rage on the inside concerning her lack of focus. "But like you said; all the subtlety of a hand grenade." She reminds her.

Spencer grins. "Okay. We're putting away the books," she begins, to which Hanna starts clapping a small applause, "but Aria's all wrapped up in Fitz and Emily's having a hopefully trauma-free date with Paige. So what's it going to be?" She questions.

"You have Toby." Hanna says, "You shouldn't feel obligated to me, Spence. Not beyond saving my ass from this test on Monday."

"No." Spencer says adamantly, "my dad's been keeping his own secrets lately. He won't mind if I accept his liquor cabinet as an apology." She smiles, and Hanna remembers just how crazy Spencer's crazy streak can be sometimes.

"Maybe it's good that Em isn't here." She says, and they both laugh warmly.

"It's strange, how we can laugh about it sometimes." Spencer comments.

"If we don't laugh, we'd cry." Hanna replies.

They proceed to blur the complexities of their lives with alcohol.

"We will win this, Hanna. And we will get to consider college. If anyone can win against 'A', it's you. It's not Caleb that made you special, though you loved him. You need to understand that. The bitch tried to run you over and you _still _survived. You're a fighter, Hanna." There she goes, typical Spencer and her way with words, Hanna thinks. Even when she's drunk off her clever, all-knowing ass.

Hanna ends that night with a whisky bottle in her lap and Spencer's head resting on her shoulder.

And she doesn't shed a single tear that night.

* * *

_End._


End file.
